I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
