Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
