You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
