at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Randomize
