i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
