That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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