nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
