i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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