I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
