I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Randomize
