i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Randomize
