I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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