Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Randomize
