Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
