When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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