between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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