We won't sleep together?
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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