The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Randomize
