Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
