New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
