I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
