I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
