You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
