Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
