my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
You ruined the universe
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
