I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Randomize
