I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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