He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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