Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Holy sore nipples Batman
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
