On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Randomize
