Cold hands, warm shart.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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