Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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