I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Randomize
