We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
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