Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
this just has baby written all over it
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
