I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
