yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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