Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
