at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
