It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
