So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
