I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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