she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Randomize
