After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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