Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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