Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Sext me about skeletons
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Randomize
