tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
