The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Randomize
