apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
No subtext here. People are naked.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
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