I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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