Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
