I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Randomize
