On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
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